What Would Jesus Do?

Thanks to the ever increasing powers of the Internet, Heaven now has broadband wireless internet in every room. Write to Jesus using the form below and he will advise you as best he can, referring to his brief experience on our earth. Jesus promises not to sell your email address to any third party.

Dear Jesus, Is physical immortality possible? Meaning can I stay in the body I have right now forevermore without dying if I want to? Also, what happpens when we die? And one more thing, why am I so incapable of loving people and being loved and does that mean I will never have a good boyfriend that will stay with me and have awesome sex with me whenever I want? Oh and hey do you like my blog? I mention you sometimes. Thanks- Staceyface

Stacey. Recently my 'What would Jesus Do?' page has turned into an agony aunt column with people asking me multiple questions about their love lives that I find very difficult to answer with my limited experience. I will therefore only answer your most pertinent and relevant question. Yes I do read your blog, but only when you mention me.

Dear Jesus, I've been married for almost 5yrs and we were together 2yrs before we got married. I had become very bored and I have other men who seek my attention, it is becoming harder to resist! Why am I so Horney all the time? I lust with the thought of being with someone new, not for a relationship but rather just for fun... Does that mean I'm going to go to hell? Do I have the 7-yr itch?

I am unfamiliar with the seven year itch. I once spent forty days and forty nights fasting in the desert, and after about two weeks, I started to itch in personal places, but I think that was simply due to my lack of personal hygiene, and it's probably not what you are referring to. In the case of satisfying your sexual desires whilst married, I believe that is what pornography is for. Otherwise, Ben from JesseJames may be able to help you. Write to him.

Dear Jesus, where am I going to find my husband?

I'm not sure, but probably not on the internet.

Dear Jesus, My brother just invited me to his friend Adrian's BBQ tomorrow, should I go? I can't think why not, I'm not doing anything... just thought I should run it by you. Thanx for dying for us! Becci

Anytime Becci! Don't mention it. And by all means go the BBQ, but eat and drink in rememberance of me. Amen.

If you drank beer which beer would you prefer? Jesse.

I'd have to say San Miguel, because not only is it named after a saint, it comes in litre bottles with screw top lids. Perfect for long afternoons.

Dear Jesus, how can i handle living with 2 ignorant stepchildren? Thomas

Ignorant of what? World affairs? Table manners? Flower pressing?Sounds like your two stepchildren were probably just raised differently from how you would raise your own. You must have known when you entered into a relationship with your partner, that her children came as part of the package, so you owe it to her and her kids to raise them like your own and if need be, educate them in the ways of flower pressing.

i going out with one girl that lifes by me while going out with one that lives in a differnt town and got one other girl that want to hook up what sould i do? rich

Pick a girl and dump the others. Seriously, even in these liberal modern times, there is something to be said for monogamous relationships. Oh, and learn to spell while you're at it.

Dear Jesus i love u do u love me Lucas

I love you. The bumper stickers don't lie. I would love you even more if you used punctuation.

Dear Jesus, why is there always one tye-dye sock in my drawer which i never wear?

Because you never wear it. If you did, then it would spend some time on your foot and not in your drawer. I can't believe you asked me that. You really should have worked it out yourself.

Dear Jesus: I believe god exists, but I don't 'worship' him, because I figure if I can't get along by myself, something needs to change. Anyway, moving on. My Mother has been sick/injured(on and off) for about three or four years now. She keeps wanting to talk to me (especially late at night) about how God is testing her and whatnot. The subject makes me extremely uncomfortable, as modern-day portrayal of Christanity has soured my view on the aforementioned religion and diety. Any suggestions on how to deal with it the next time it comes up?

This is a tricky one. Obviously you don't want to tell her that people just get sick, and it's got nothing to do with God testing her, but I feel that you don't want to offend her religious sensibilities when she is particularly vunerable. It's a bit like trying to explain to your traditionally racist grandma that she can't refer to the care workers as being 'dark as the night' anymore. Old people are the hardest people to have theological discussions with because they've thought the same thing for ages, but it's important to at least let your mother know that you don't share the same beliefs when it comes to the Church, and that if she wants to discuss it with you, she's going to get some unexpected answers.

PS. The modern day portrayal of Christianity is just the tip of the sour ice-berg. Think of the British Empire forcing the bible on its colonies. Think of the kings and queens of england beheading their subjects in the name of Catholicism or quick divorces. Think of the Crusaders.
Talk about being mis-understood...

do you really love every body????

Yes I do, even Condoleezza Rice.

Dear Jesus, For the past 3 months i have been trying to find happiness anywhere I can since me + my long-term girlfriend broke up, but i can not find it. Is there anymore happiness left out there for me, and if so where do I look. Matt

Matt, I'm glad you came direct to me and didn't ask your local priest. These middle men will only tell you the usual spiel 'God loves you, go to church more often, read the Bible etc.' but I can tell that right now, you need something more instantly comforting. There is love out there for you, but give it a while before you try to find a new girlfriend. In the meantime, go out with your friends, get really drunk and feel sorry for yourself. Only when you find yourself hugging a toilet, excreting bodily fluids from every orifice, will you realise that things can only get better. It's all a matter of putting things in perspective.

what is a pansexual?

A spelling mistake? I don't know why you're asking me. I might be omniscient, but some things are better off Googled.

If women are from Venus and men are from Mars where do the hermaphrodites live? Ghard

Mercury. Clearly.

Dear Jesus, is there anyway after death that i can have my soul deleted? Cause well Heaven sounds kinda boring, Hell sounds kinda cool but fairly sure i would get bored of it rather quick. Feck i dont know....just do some alt - F4 action when my time comes. SiL ..:..

Sure thing SiL, your wish is granted, but you just missed out on the biggest party of them all. Einstein is bringing Jelly Tots.

Dear Jesus, When you promoted giving to the poor did you mean through government force like a lot of leftists suggest or should we give from our hearts, libby.

Libby, when I promoted giving to the poor, there was no such thing as welfare. There were no such thing as leftists either. I may have been the first. Seeing as giving to the poor 'through government force' is compulsory anyway, I suggest giving from you heart in addition to paying your taxes. But rather than throw some money in a bucket or sponsor a herd of goats in Africa, try direct action. Go out to Indonesia and rebuild some houses, or go stir soup at the local soup kitchen. The rewards are more gratifying and you know you'll actually be changing the world.

should i quit my job?

Yes. The fact that you asked the question in the first place suggests you are unhappy. Hand in your notice and follow your dreams. Of course, if you have any dependents, stick at it, work hard and bring the money home.

Dear Jesus, I have been spreading the word that you have risen again to humanity, but people keep telling me that you're just some kid, who thought it'd be funny to start a website pretending to be Jesus. How do I convince them that it's really you? Your disciple, Scott, Scotland.

Scott, tell those doubting Thomases that they must have faith, which is kinda what Christianity is all about. If there were hard facts, then believing in God would be like hanging out the washing. But to clear things up, this isn't my website. It's just some kid's who thought it'd be funny to start a website featuring Jesus. He found my email address a couple of months ago and has been forwarding your questions ever since. I'm still in heaven though, seated on the right hand of god (he has big hands), this is not a second coming.

Hey Jesus. As a gay punk, I was just wondering what Jesus would think of this. Is it wrong to be gay? What about a punk...or even a gay punk? I've checked the bible and there doesn't seem to be much on this area or maybe I have jsut mis-interpreted what I've read. Tony, 21

No Tony, you're right. Any pre-1970s editions of the bible are unlikely to contain any references to gay punks. But it was my policy to accept everyone that came to me, even those who didn't conform to societal norms. I haven't heard much punk music. My friend Ben played me some Black Flagg and Minor Threat the other week, and I can't say I enjoyed listening to it, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't get on with punks in general, who seem to have quite a healthy attitude towards life. It is certainly not wrong to be gay, even though parts of the old testament claim so. Many Christians will claim that the Bible specifically outlaws homosexuality, but once again, let's remember that the Bible was written a long long time ago, in Hebrew, translated into Greek and then into English with heavy revisions at every stage depending on the personal preference of the editor, so I wouldn't take it as the precise word of God. As you are already online, why don't you go to the links page and check out godhatesfags.com and godlovesfags.com for mortal opinion. I don't care who you're kissing, as long as you're spreading the love, not the hate.

What should I do to cure my boredom??? Elisa

Elisa. There is no reason to be bored when you have the world as your playground. God gave you this earth and all its wonders to enjoy and appreciate, not so you could waste time on the internet, watch TV and complain about how bored you are. Do something Elisa, just do something.

Hi Jesus, This one's coming all the way from Canada. Why did you leave Peter to tell your story and guide your followers, when he clearly must have messed things up. How else could the men King James got to write the bible have gotten the idea that women are meant to live in the shadows. Also, couldn't Peter have planned for someone who knew how to write to be charged with the duty? Seriously, I've read some pretty nasty grafiti in washroom stalls but I'd say the new testament tops it all. Basically, why all the crappy people making the big decisions? Russel

Russel, I left the good news to be spread by all my disciples, and they were all pretty inept, but Peter managed to kick the whole thing off by selling it to the Romans, and for that I am eternally grateful. But King James and every other guy upstairs that comissioned their own version of the bible, edited it to their own advantage, or to uphold the status quo. I always knew humans were fallible, but I never thought they'd dick each other over so consistently. I'd like to rephrase your question to ask, 'why do benevolent people never get into power?' and I encourage everyone to help me answer it.

hi jesus. i'm a great fan. i also think you were pretty chilled and compassionate. that's cool. my problem is as follows. i work in a team of 2 people, me and my art director. we are pretty much paid to create ads, and to think up fresh ideas. so the work is brain work. my art director just doesn't give a fuck though. he just doesn't care. and i am left to shoulder all the work and all the stress, and if something is done well, he will take full credit for it. the thing is, he's a charmer, and gets away with it time after time by being incredibly nice to everyone. but since i work with him, i see through this. i am very good at what i do, and i have very high standards. i have told my boss, but he's not acting. this is making me so fucking angry, i want to kill this guy. what would you do?

Dear great fan, what would Jesus do? Well, for a start he wouldn't get 'so fucking angry', so here are you options: a) Live with it- a lot of two man teams are creator/salesman duos. While one partner buries his head in the creative side, the other prepares the public to receive the work. A bit like me and John the Baptist. Ask yourself, is your partner really doing nothing? or is he an essential part of the process? if you could work without him consider option b) Find a way out- either try to reveal his laziness to the firm in some malicious and cunning plot (not really my style) or confront him and threaten to quit. If you're talented, you will find work elsewhere.

Dear Jesus, I just have to know... Shampoo or conditioner? Shaved or au natural? -Donze

Donze, you make it sound like the two are interchangeable. Of course, back in my day we had neither, but I can recommend Boot's Botanics Ultra Moisturising Conditioner. It smells quite organic, but leaves a wonderful shine. As for your second question, I stopped shaving my balls when I realised I was putting a lot of time into beauty treatments and never getting any returns.

I have two questions May you tell me the lyrics to dear jesus? You do realise we are all doomed to go to hell, in ever religion it is straight to hell if we support a different religion, so in theory we are all damned to hell... Was you aware of this?

I may not, as I didn't write the song, I am merely the subject of it. I wouldn't want to mis-quote JesseJames. It's an interesting point you bring up, if I understand you correctly, that each religion, monotheistic or not, claims that worshipping any other deity will get you in trouble. Begging the question, -who's right? who should we all be worshipping?. But God never said that. It was man who decided on the rules, and made those rules accordingly to benefit himself. God has never really set down any rules besides the Ten Commandments, and Moses proabably made them up anyway.

Jesus, I was thinking about the whole heaven and hell thing and something got me thinking. Satan and you had a bit of a falling out and you banished him from heaven and he set up something generally known as hell. Now it's meant to be the terrible place to go to ....but....why is it bad? maybe it's just propaganda as he was only able to take off with a third of the angels, I'd think satan would have tried to set up a place at least on par with heaven to attract the punters not push them away, in fact I think you could be using your omnipresent all powerful powers to trade unfairly in the soul market using your gigantic advertising budget! um sorry, :) just really wanted to know why hell is a bad place, thanks. Pascal

Pascal, I'm impressed with your extensive knowledge of the Bible, but I'm getting bored of supporting technicalities from the Old Testament, a book I renounced. Hell is a bad place because it is full of bad people. Whether it is hot or not, I'm not sure. I've never been there.

hey Jesus man! Are you any good in bed then? Just wondering as you have all those divine powers and what not. Alix.

Ask Mary Magdalene.

I have been selected for an interview in Public sector company for the post of Graduate Engineer Trainee , to be held on 06-04-2005 at 13.00hrs in india. please pray for me so that i  may be recruited in that company Electronics Corporation of India LTd. please pray for me. Vinod

Vinod. I'm sure you will do very well in the interview, but praying for you would be like asking myself a favour.

Dear Jesus, Do you think it's right for Roman Catholics and Protestants to fight with each other when they believe in the same thing: you. And do you feel guilty about helping start all these wars, AND do you think it was right of you to 'sacrafice your life for humanity' when we elected George Bush who's gonna end it anyway? Betty

Betty, the essential difference between Catholicism and Protestantism is with holy communion. When Protestants receive 'the blood and body of our Lord Jesus Christ' they do it symbolically, but Catholics believe that during the blessing, the bread and wine are transformed into my flesh and blood. It's quite a hard concept to grasp, when it still tastes like bread and wine.
Regardless of this discrepancy in belief, I'm not sure that's why they're fighting. I don't think it has anything to do with being Catholic or Protestant at all. I think it's all due to the human tendancy to express individuality by high-lighting difference. A bit like Pikeys versus Greebos, but with a lengthy and ugly history of opression and rebellion.
Back in the days when the Kings and Queens of England weren't just a tourist attraction, if the King was Catholic, then all the Protestants were burned at the stake. And then a Protestant King came along and everyone had to switch denomination to avoid getting burned again. It's about control, not about God. I renounce it all.
As for George W, I wouldn't say he is going to end humanity, he's just going to redefine it, under his own terms, which he'll claim are mine. Watch out.

Thanq, I got 78.9 percentile & qualified in GATE 2005. Vinod.

Congratulations! I'm sure it was all due to your hard work and intelligence. It seems you even learned to spell. Jesus.

Jeesus man. I am afraid I see relegion as a weak way to keep the peace. Two large reason i don't believe in God (and many small ones but i wont bore you) 1. With the concept of Heaven being all mighty and all good as long as your are all mighty and all good, and the concept of Hell being all deadly and shitty if you are all deadly and shitty it seems to me religion is just some pathetic way of holding this down. 2. Jeesus gets out of bed one day, spends seven days creating the earth... 65 million year gap... Jeesus comes down. WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THE 65MILLION YEAR GAP!? Was he chillin out? Sleepin? Smokin? Drinkin and playing poker with other god like figures!? No one ever questions it, its such crap... explain both if you please? Luke.

Luke, any attempt to keep the peace is OK by me, as I'm sick of watching you all kill each other, but if I may condescend to your numbered points: 1. This is basic karma. If you do bad things, bad things happen to you. If you're a good person (not to be confused with nice, which is normally synonymous for 'I'm a push-over, please take advantage') then you'll reap the rewards. 2. Creationism was someone's way of explaining things before they invented science. Thanks to Darwin, you now know that you all came from Africa and were really hairy. The Bible, whether it was divinely inspired or not, was written a long long time ago, in Hebrew, translated into Greek and then into English with heavy revisions at every stage depending on the personal preference of the editor, so I wouldn't take it all so literally. God created the world in six days? (He took Sunday off) Yeah right! But it makes a good story.

Dear Jesus, if you had to do either one of the following, which would you do: 1) eat a spoonfull of your own poo 2) drink a keg of piss, thanks vicky

Vicky, I was hoping that the good people of the earth would use this email option to debate moral and political issues relevant to the music video, or topical news stories, but I have received a lot of similar emails to yours instead. For some reason, although I have ignored the others, I have to chosen to humour you and reply.
Being already dead and risen, the health issues of eating fecal matter versus drinking urine are inconsequential, and when I spent forty days and forty nights in the wilderness, the prospect of drinking my own pee became quite enticing, so I would go with the keg, and not the spoon. In fact, never the spoon. That's just wrong.

Dear Jesus, I was making a sandwich the other day with some chicken breast, a little mustard, mayo, tomato, and lettuce on a sour dough baguette but I opened the cheese drawer and noticed I had too much choice! I couldn't decide between Havarti, Gouda or Monterey Jack, but then I thought just what WOULD Jesus do in a situation like this? Yours in Christ, Joel

Joel, I would have gone with the Gouda. I know the Swiss are so smug, with their incredibly high standard of living, their wartime neutrality, their great skiing locations and their banks, but they make damn good cheese.

Jesus, Do you think religions are really just ways to justify the inequality in the world. A social construction, functioning to distrubute wealth and property?

Yes! That's why I turned up in the first place. Judaism had become polluted with hypocracy, greed and institutional hierarchy, so I welcomed the unwanted, the poor, the diseased and the afflicted to join me in a true worship of God, one that promotes kindness, equality and respect for others, but then you all went and fucked it up again. Excuse my French, but seriously, the Christian Church needs an overhaul. I'll keep schtum about the other organised religions, but they're all as bad as each other these days. Sort it out guys, really. If you're going to church on a sunday morning because it makes you feel good about yourself, then don't bother. Stay in bed and reprioritise.

Why was I born gay?

Now that's a very silly question. You might as well ask yourself why you were born human and not butterfly, or why you were born right handed and not left, or why you were born in Sydenham and not Buenos Aires.

Who created God?

God did.

Dear Jesus, you may get asked this alot but no-ones ever told me; what the meaning of life? also is god planning on having anymore 'children' like you who come down and heal people etc? Sophie. PS you still into the whole white robes thing or are you into the hip new clothing of 2005?

Sophie, to answer your questions in reverse order:
During my limited time on the earth, I never limited myself to white robes. I often rocked the brown and various shades of red. Blue also graced my wardrobe in my early twenties. As for the 'hip new clothing of 2005', if you mean oversized belts that serve no functional purpose, or the comeback of furry moon boots, then no. I would rather be crucified again.
God has no visits planned for the near future as the world is the least desirable holiday destination in the universe these days, but if he did, I'm pretty sure he'd send me again, if only to avoid having to impregnate someone via immaculate conception.
As for the meaning of life, I'd tell you, but this system limits me to a certain number of charact

please awrd me good precentile in GATE 2005 results.

Even if it were up to me, I'd be reluctant to award you anything until you learn to spell and remember to put your name on your exam paper.

Yo, Jesus dude. How'd ya do that water into wine stunt? I've got some underage drinking to do! James.

James, it might be better if I started you off with my water into lager trick. It goes down easier and you don't get that killer headache the morning after. I'll email you the full instructions as soon as I receive written permission from your parents. Just ask them to put the letter under your pillow after you go to bed (the tooth fairy owes me a favour).

How do i grow a beard oh messiah? Largecurtains.

In my experience, i find it tends to grow by itself, oh large curtains.

Dear Jesus, you are always portrayed wearing those brown sandals... do you know where I can pick up a pair on the high street? They really turn me on. Nick Van Driver

I'm also always portrayed as having anglo-european features and pale skin, so don't believe everything you see, but yes, I do favour the open toed, leather strapped sandal. These cannot be found on any modern day high street. To appreciate the authenticity and unique qualities of my hand made, customised leather sandals, one must think outside the confines of chain shoe stores that stock the same Chinese prison labour manufactured sports shoes, and travel to Nazareth, where you will find a shoesmith called Ibrahim. If he cannot provide you with sandals like mine, then Land's End do some pretty good knock offs.

Dear Jesus, If I clone myself and then have sex with my clone, would it be masturbation, incest or gay? Thanks for the help!

I understand why you didn't leave a name, you may need more 'help' than I can give you, but to try and answer your question, it wouldn't be masturbation, because, even though he looks like you, your clone is a separate person. I'm not sure it would be incest either, as the clone is not related to you in any traditional way, despite being from the same gene pool. As for gay, most definitely yes. Even if you are just 'lying with another man' to quote a big old book, it would be boy on boy homo action. This begs a series of other questions. For instance, if you were to engage in the act of sodomy, who would be tops and who would be bottoms? Because, supposedly, both you and your clone would have identical sexual inclinations. Also, it would be impossible to surprise your sexual partner by calling out 'Pull my hair' or 'Cum on my back' because you'd both... hang on. I'm not sure where I was going with that. Please seek professional help.

Dear Jesus, in modern society celebrities are worshipped and followed religiously. Were you just a personality that got blown way out of proportion? kind of like Elvis! Neil.

Dear Neil, not really. I wasn't a celebrity in any way back then. No one knew who I was. I was just the run of the mill religious revolutionary, ripe for crucifixion. If they'd known I was the son of God, I don't think they would have nailed me to a cross. In terms of celebrities, I'm more like Jeff Buckley than Elvis.

Dear Jesus, I saw your face in a tortilla I was eating along with my huevos rancheros for breakfast this morning at the Frontier (of all places! If one cannot have a religious experience there, I don't know where one can!). What are you trying to tell me? Shall I do my best to preserve this tortilla and haul it around the country for all believers and non-believers to see? Surely they will ask you into their hearts after looking into your forgiving eyes. They will never eat another New Mexican breakfast without first admiring their tortillas with a certain comfort in knowing you're there. I'm here for you Jesus. How may I serve you? Allison.

Dear Allison, I was supping with the invisible man and a host of other dead super heroes and minor celebrities the other day, and he mentioned that people always ask him if he spends a lot of time spying on women. In the same way, I am often tempted to abuse my divine powers to do silly things, the Turin Shroud, penguin shaped clouds, Geri Haliwell for example, but I can assure you I had nothing to do with your tortilla, so it must be a mere coincidence. Either that or you are, as the Americans say, 'shitting me'. Otherwise, you could serve me by helping your fellow man. Give that crazy homeless guy, who hangs around at the bus stop outside Frontier, your tortilla next time you order huevos rancheros, (no I haven't actually been there, I'm just omnipresent) or even, buy him a cinnamon roll and a cup of coffee.

Dear Jesus, I don't believe in you anymore. Your story of ultimate sacrifice and forgiveness just doesn't seem relevant to modern day society. Ben.

Dear Ben. I see where you're coming from, but I think your opinion of Christianity has been tainted by certain political leaders who use my name and legacy to justify their actions in world affairs. 'Christianity' as you see it today, portrayed by Mel Gibson and many TV evangelists, simply isn't what I had in mind. Just be excellent to each other and try to understand that all organized religions are essentially the same.

Dear Jesus, my father recently passed away and I am having trouble dealing with the loss. Have you got any tips? Jorgen.

Dear Jorgen, I'm afraid that in this case, I'm not the best one to ask. My father abandoned me and did nothing to intervene in my execution. And according to the concept of the Holy Trinity, we are actually the same person, so I can't really relate. Try a secular community group for counseling.

Dear Jesus, my boyfriend keeps cheating on me and then denying it. All men are pigs. I'm thinking of becoming a nun. Sarah.

Dear Sarah, don't be so quick to abandon the pleasures of the flesh. I allegedly had some brief sexual encounters with a prostitute who had the same name as my mother, and enjoyed myself thoroughly. There are many good men out there who will be faithful to you. I knew this guy called Peter, actually, I'm not sure he's around anymore...

Dear Jesus, how do you walk on water. If you told us, no one would die from drowning. Pierre.

Dear Pierre, I really would love to put an end to all those accidental maritime deaths, but I'm afraid there's no secret to it. I have divine powers, owing to the fact that I'm the son of God. In the meantime, try water skiing. It has the same effect but is much more fun.

Dear Jesus, I am a medical student at St. Thomas Hospital in London. If you told me how to heal, I might be able to pass my exams this year. Kate.